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mass_hipgnosis Jun. 25th, 2007 01:05 pm)
mass_hipgnosis Jun. 25th, 2007 01:05 pm)My inner review junkie is howling. She wants blood. Or, y'know, concrit. Anyone who has reviewed, I heart you for ever and ever-and click
Anyone who clicked here without reviewing...shame, shame on you.
Okay, first my quote of the day:
It is still the dark of night, and still so early in the world, that the square lies like an eternity between the corner and the crossroads, and dawn and warmth are a thousand years away.
-Boris Pasternak
And now for the free stu-uff!
The Care And Feeding Of Your Cellular Service Provider
Or, Getting Those Bastards At The Phone Company To Give You Free Stuff
There are some important phrases you should know when dealing with these assholes...er, um, people. I meant to say people. These phrases are backdate, trigger statement, slam, loyalty, bonus features, tower tenancy, supervisor, senior rep, and manager.
If you are getting to the end of your billing cycle, and you have gone over your minutes or text messages, or picture messages, or...(you get the picture), call in and ask them to backdate a new plan or feature to re-rate the overage. They can backdate (although you may get a moron who doesn't know how and therefore tells you they can't), but only if you specifically ask them to. And only before the end of your billing cycle-which is not the same thing as the end of the month. Once your billing cycle closes, they are valid charges (which means that whether you understood the price or not, you used the service and now have to pay through the nose for it...this kind of thing is covered in that contract where you signed away your soul and firstborn for a shiny camera phone) and they will not credit them. Never, ever, world without end, amen.
If your cell company is pissing you off, and you're going to leave, call in and tell them so (this is a trigger statement). Once you make a trigger statement, they can give you stuff to make you stay, like special plans with more minutes for less money, or really cheap phones. But only if you call in before you cancel (once you cancel, if you want to come back, you get bupkis). They may transfer you to a 'cancellation specialist.' This is a bullshit euphemism for 'person who is authorized to give you free stuff.' Let them transfer you-the rep you're talking to does not have this ability. If they are morons, and don't transfer you or give you any special incentives to stay, ask to speak to their 'retention team.' This is another bullshit euphemism, but it is their bullshit euphemism, and the fact that you know it will scare them.
If someone slammed your account, it means they signed you up for something (a plan, a feature, extended contract, new phone, what have you) without your permission. Slam is an industry term that customers aren't supposed to know (oops, I opened the bag and this cat jumped out!). Sales reps in cell phone stores slam accounts a lot in order to get comission, so even if you actually agreed to the plan/feature in store, and decided later that you don't want it, you can say they slammed your account. The customer service rep that you speak to will not be particularly suprised, and if you insist, they will probably give you credit, or change you to a different calling plan without making you renew your contract again.
Cell phone companies are really big on loyalty. It costs them an average of $3,500 per line in man-hours, delinquent accounts processing, sign-up incentives, credit reporting agency fees, number portability, advertising and lost revenue if you leave the company and they have to win you back. Therefore, if you want them to do something that is against the rules (for example, give you a plan that is no longer offered) or unorthodox (call you every day to let you know about any tower outages or other problems in your area, and I have done this for customers before), or you want credit for something that isn't supposed to be credited, harp on your past loyalty to the company, and how you don't feel it is properly appreciated. But before you call, be sure you know the specifics-exactly what you want, why you feel you deserve it, how long you have been with the company, how much money you have paid them, how many lines/accounts you have, whether or not you are under contract, your credit score, how many times you have asked for credit or special treatment in the past, and how many times your account has been suspended/cancelled for non-payment. These are things they will look at while deciding if they can justify giving you what you want to upper management. They also look at what I call 'touchy-feely crap,' which is your opportunity to score major points. Bring up any past times the company made mistakes that negatively affected you, behavior, attitude, helpfulness and ability of previous reps you've spoken to, and why you feel this has 'damaged' your relationship with the company. If you are looking for a special plan or phone price not currently available, have examples ready of offers available to new customers, or offered by rivals (the Big Five are T-Mobile, Verizon, Cingular/AT&T, Alltel and Sprint). Have all the specifics including price, phone model or plan details, and contract length, because they will check on the rival's website. The rep is required by policy to bargain with you, so be polite but firm, and keep insisting that you want exactly what you asked for. Keep in mind that they will not give you credit in an amount that exceeds the average monthly revenue from your account for two billing cycles (eg: if you spend $120/month, they could not give you credit or rebates exceeding $240 for that particular issue) and if you have recieved more than 20% of your total dollars spent over the life of the account back from them in credit, they will not give you any credit at all (at that point, with overhead, they are actually paying you to have service with them).
That brings me to bonus features. If you think you will go over your minutes, but haven't yet (this is important, because bonus feature codes cannot be backdated, and anyone who says otherwise is stupid or lying) you can call in and ask for bonus minutes, text messages, etc. These cost the company very little when compared to offering credit, and can be offered more often and in larger amounts than monetary credit. They cannot be offered proactively-you have to ask-but you don't have to have a good reason. You can ask because of a family emergency, business trip, your aunt died, whatever. Be warned-bonus features expire if you don't use them, and if you ask for them too often you will be branded an abuser, and refused.
Crap coverage (come on, everybody has had it at some point) can be fixed. The average rep will say, "I will file a service request for this location, our engineering team will review it, and let you know within 36 hours if you can expect any repairs or improvements in this area, in the meantime, powercycle your phone every day..." Yada yada bullshit. Unless there is a tower down in your area that engineering doesn't know about (unlikely) this will do nothing. And the key word in that phrase is expect improvements. Expecting a new tower is like expecting a child...they both take about nine months. But there is a better fix. Tower tenancy. This is how it works. You have crap coverage at your home/work. You own the property. It is a commercial property (urban) or an acre or larger (urban/rural). You apply to be an (insert cellular provider here) landlord. They put up a tower on your property. They pay you mucho dinero. You have perfect coverage there. It is very awesome, but it takes time (see above, expecting a tower), so if you have crap coverage, apply for tower tenancy RIGHT AWAY. Do not wait until you are so pissed off you will cancel if they don't have it fixed in a week. Because I can guarantee you, they will not have it fixed in a week.
If the rep you are talking to is rude/stupid/incompetent/an asshole or any combination thereof, it is time to ask for a supervisor. But when doing so, keep in mind supervisors are not always that bright. They spend most of their time babysitting the people on their team, dealing with payroll, scheduling vacations, drinking coffee, having meetings, etc. The rep you are talking to takes between 40 and 100 calls in an 8 hour shift, every single day. So unless they are on their way to a Moron of the Month Award, they know what they're doing, probably better than the supervisor, who takes calls for 10 hours a month (this is in a good company. In a bad one, they may never have taken calls as a CS rep in the department they are running). But for some retarded reason, supes do have more power, and some of them even have more brains, so feel free to ask for one to get what you want. If the person you speak to says they are a senior representative, this means they have the same discretionary power as the rep you were talking to a minute ago - they are just smarter, and walk around all day answering questions and taking over escalated calls instead of actually being on the phones. If the old rep doesn't know how to do what you want, this is good. The senior rep will know. If they are refusing to give you what you want, this is bad. The senior rep is gonna give you a plate of 'no way' with some 'nada' on the side, same as the last rep. Don't be defeated-tell them you want a REAL supervisor. If the supervisor has their thumb up their butt too, ask for a manager. But keep in mind that if you're asking for something they absolutely CANNOT do, something that's out of their hands (like, say, breaking FCC regulations or consumer privacy laws) even talking to the CEO won't do you any good.
If you have a specific problem, comment. I will be happy to help you decieve the company to get your way.
Anyone who clicked here without reviewing...shame, shame on you.
Okay, first my quote of the day:
It is still the dark of night, and still so early in the world, that the square lies like an eternity between the corner and the crossroads, and dawn and warmth are a thousand years away.
-Boris Pasternak
And now for the free stu-uff!
The Care And Feeding Of Your Cellular Service Provider
Or, Getting Those Bastards At The Phone Company To Give You Free Stuff
There are some important phrases you should know when dealing with these assholes...er, um, people. I meant to say people. These phrases are backdate, trigger statement, slam, loyalty, bonus features, tower tenancy, supervisor, senior rep, and manager.
If you are getting to the end of your billing cycle, and you have gone over your minutes or text messages, or picture messages, or...(you get the picture), call in and ask them to backdate a new plan or feature to re-rate the overage. They can backdate (although you may get a moron who doesn't know how and therefore tells you they can't), but only if you specifically ask them to. And only before the end of your billing cycle-which is not the same thing as the end of the month. Once your billing cycle closes, they are valid charges (which means that whether you understood the price or not, you used the service and now have to pay through the nose for it...this kind of thing is covered in that contract where you signed away your soul and firstborn for a shiny camera phone) and they will not credit them. Never, ever, world without end, amen.
If your cell company is pissing you off, and you're going to leave, call in and tell them so (this is a trigger statement). Once you make a trigger statement, they can give you stuff to make you stay, like special plans with more minutes for less money, or really cheap phones. But only if you call in before you cancel (once you cancel, if you want to come back, you get bupkis). They may transfer you to a 'cancellation specialist.' This is a bullshit euphemism for 'person who is authorized to give you free stuff.' Let them transfer you-the rep you're talking to does not have this ability. If they are morons, and don't transfer you or give you any special incentives to stay, ask to speak to their 'retention team.' This is another bullshit euphemism, but it is their bullshit euphemism, and the fact that you know it will scare them.
If someone slammed your account, it means they signed you up for something (a plan, a feature, extended contract, new phone, what have you) without your permission. Slam is an industry term that customers aren't supposed to know (oops, I opened the bag and this cat jumped out!). Sales reps in cell phone stores slam accounts a lot in order to get comission, so even if you actually agreed to the plan/feature in store, and decided later that you don't want it, you can say they slammed your account. The customer service rep that you speak to will not be particularly suprised, and if you insist, they will probably give you credit, or change you to a different calling plan without making you renew your contract again.
Cell phone companies are really big on loyalty. It costs them an average of $3,500 per line in man-hours, delinquent accounts processing, sign-up incentives, credit reporting agency fees, number portability, advertising and lost revenue if you leave the company and they have to win you back. Therefore, if you want them to do something that is against the rules (for example, give you a plan that is no longer offered) or unorthodox (call you every day to let you know about any tower outages or other problems in your area, and I have done this for customers before), or you want credit for something that isn't supposed to be credited, harp on your past loyalty to the company, and how you don't feel it is properly appreciated. But before you call, be sure you know the specifics-exactly what you want, why you feel you deserve it, how long you have been with the company, how much money you have paid them, how many lines/accounts you have, whether or not you are under contract, your credit score, how many times you have asked for credit or special treatment in the past, and how many times your account has been suspended/cancelled for non-payment. These are things they will look at while deciding if they can justify giving you what you want to upper management. They also look at what I call 'touchy-feely crap,' which is your opportunity to score major points. Bring up any past times the company made mistakes that negatively affected you, behavior, attitude, helpfulness and ability of previous reps you've spoken to, and why you feel this has 'damaged' your relationship with the company. If you are looking for a special plan or phone price not currently available, have examples ready of offers available to new customers, or offered by rivals (the Big Five are T-Mobile, Verizon, Cingular/AT&T, Alltel and Sprint). Have all the specifics including price, phone model or plan details, and contract length, because they will check on the rival's website. The rep is required by policy to bargain with you, so be polite but firm, and keep insisting that you want exactly what you asked for. Keep in mind that they will not give you credit in an amount that exceeds the average monthly revenue from your account for two billing cycles (eg: if you spend $120/month, they could not give you credit or rebates exceeding $240 for that particular issue) and if you have recieved more than 20% of your total dollars spent over the life of the account back from them in credit, they will not give you any credit at all (at that point, with overhead, they are actually paying you to have service with them).
That brings me to bonus features. If you think you will go over your minutes, but haven't yet (this is important, because bonus feature codes cannot be backdated, and anyone who says otherwise is stupid or lying) you can call in and ask for bonus minutes, text messages, etc. These cost the company very little when compared to offering credit, and can be offered more often and in larger amounts than monetary credit. They cannot be offered proactively-you have to ask-but you don't have to have a good reason. You can ask because of a family emergency, business trip, your aunt died, whatever. Be warned-bonus features expire if you don't use them, and if you ask for them too often you will be branded an abuser, and refused.
Crap coverage (come on, everybody has had it at some point) can be fixed. The average rep will say, "I will file a service request for this location, our engineering team will review it, and let you know within 36 hours if you can expect any repairs or improvements in this area, in the meantime, powercycle your phone every day..." Yada yada bullshit. Unless there is a tower down in your area that engineering doesn't know about (unlikely) this will do nothing. And the key word in that phrase is expect improvements. Expecting a new tower is like expecting a child...they both take about nine months. But there is a better fix. Tower tenancy. This is how it works. You have crap coverage at your home/work. You own the property. It is a commercial property (urban) or an acre or larger (urban/rural). You apply to be an (insert cellular provider here) landlord. They put up a tower on your property. They pay you mucho dinero. You have perfect coverage there. It is very awesome, but it takes time (see above, expecting a tower), so if you have crap coverage, apply for tower tenancy RIGHT AWAY. Do not wait until you are so pissed off you will cancel if they don't have it fixed in a week. Because I can guarantee you, they will not have it fixed in a week.
If the rep you are talking to is rude/stupid/incompetent/an asshole or any combination thereof, it is time to ask for a supervisor. But when doing so, keep in mind supervisors are not always that bright. They spend most of their time babysitting the people on their team, dealing with payroll, scheduling vacations, drinking coffee, having meetings, etc. The rep you are talking to takes between 40 and 100 calls in an 8 hour shift, every single day. So unless they are on their way to a Moron of the Month Award, they know what they're doing, probably better than the supervisor, who takes calls for 10 hours a month (this is in a good company. In a bad one, they may never have taken calls as a CS rep in the department they are running). But for some retarded reason, supes do have more power, and some of them even have more brains, so feel free to ask for one to get what you want. If the person you speak to says they are a senior representative, this means they have the same discretionary power as the rep you were talking to a minute ago - they are just smarter, and walk around all day answering questions and taking over escalated calls instead of actually being on the phones. If the old rep doesn't know how to do what you want, this is good. The senior rep will know. If they are refusing to give you what you want, this is bad. The senior rep is gonna give you a plate of 'no way' with some 'nada' on the side, same as the last rep. Don't be defeated-tell them you want a REAL supervisor. If the supervisor has their thumb up their butt too, ask for a manager. But keep in mind that if you're asking for something they absolutely CANNOT do, something that's out of their hands (like, say, breaking FCC regulations or consumer privacy laws) even talking to the CEO won't do you any good.
If you have a specific problem, comment. I will be happy to help you decieve the company to get your way.
